Incomplete (tip-o-the iceberg) list of U.S. Christian shutdowns, layoffs and Rapture oddities for the Gregorian (western christian calendar) month of April 2018.

Catholic Relief Services revealed that in 2017 about 14-thousand  parishes and schools in the United States were helped with the Lenten Rice Bowl food program.  However, Catholic Relief Services also admitted that only 25% of donations collected for the program actually go to help low income Catholics, where those donations were collected, the remaining 75% is spent on Catholic agriculture/education/micro-loan operations around the world.

Alabama: A former pastor with Mount Gilead Baptist Church charge with child sex crimes.  The attorney for the former pastor said his client is being charged on “the slimmest and most vague allegations I’ve ever seen.”  A man arrested for stealing just over $20-thousand USD from the Mayfair Church of Christ, he confessed in front of the congregation.  A construction worker fell 12 meters (40 feet) while working on a new day care building for the Tanner Williams Assembly of God.

Alaska: At the Anchorage Community House-Church of Love political activists (described by local news media as “left leaning”) were prepping for a non-violent civil disobedience demonstration when a man burst in and pepper sprayed them.   Also in Anchorage, a woman praying at Holy Family Cathedral says a man burst in an exposed himself to her (say, isn’t that similar to how Virgin Mary got pregnant?).

Arizona: A Phoenix woman accused of using a tazer to wake up her son so they wouldn’t be later for Easter Sunday services.   The Sacred Heart Church, in Tucson, is so desperate for money they held a document shredding event, $5 per box.  Interestingly the event was co-sponsored by a local politician.  In Peoria, police finally arrested a man for stealing a trailer filled with $40-thousand USD worth of christian idols, from the Cross of Glory Lutheran Church.  Police got a tip the trailer was parked in an apartment parking lot, a man was living inside, police say the homeless man admitted to trading the church idols for drugs.

Arkansas: In Warren, despite being on the National Register of Historic Places god was powerless to stop ‘his’ New Zion A.M.E. Zion Church from being torn down after being condemned because the roof caved in.

California: Presbyterian founded Walmart issued a shutdown WARN for its store in Simi Valley, 130 jobs gone by June!  The California Catholic Conference is warning “Could a California bill ban Christian teaching on homosexuality?”   Anti-gun laws failed to stop a man from stabbing to death a woman in the parking lot of the City of Refuge Church in Gardena, because she broke off their relationship. The man was arrested a few days later in Texas, hiding in his ex-wife’s house.  The First Congregational Church of Oakland has joined a growing list of churches now refusing to call police for help, not even for acts of violence, because they believe the police of The Beast, I mean police of local government are the problem.   In San Diego, the First Unitarian Universalist Church joined the growing list of churches harboring illegal immigrants, saying 93% of its members approved the decision. San Francisco’s Grace Cathedral replaced The Virgin Mary with a Beyoncé Mass.  Church leaders claim Beyoncé is the new goddess, I mean spiritual leader of black women: “Conservative Christians see a high wall separating the Church from the world; Progressive Christians do not.”-Reverend Jude Harmon

Colorado: Centura Health’s Saint Mary-Corwin Medical Center laying off 3-hundred people, but then says that it’ll hire back most of them!  Centura Health’s Longmont United Hospital eliminating less than 30 jobs due to a variety of reasons. Porter Adventist Hospital admitted that an infection control breach, which potentially exposed 5-thousand-8-hundred patients, was caused by human error.  The state Department of Public Health and Environment has confirmed that several of Porter Adventist Hospital’s patients have become infected as a result of the breach.  Evangelical CovenantCare at Home shutting down, 67 jobs gone in May.

Connecticut: The Bible Way Temple Nation church mysteriously caught fire, with 12 people inside. The churchgoers escaped, investigators trying to figure out what caused the blaze. The First Congregational Church of Old Lyme joined the growing list of churches protecting illegal immigrants.  The Archdiocese of Hartford hit with a sex crimes lawsuit, the sex crimes allegedly taking place at Saint Matthew Church in Bristol.

Delaware:  The pastor of Iglesia El Espiritu Santo (located in next door Maryland) was arrested at his home in Laurel, for selling child pornography.   Also in Laurel, police are looking for a man who burgled the Rock Church, at least three times.   They know who he is, but he seems to have disappeared.

Florida:  The Lee County Sheriff’s Office arrested a teacher from god’s own Evangelical Christian School for having sex with a student, according to a notice posted by the school “…a female Upper School teacher admitted to sexual misconduct with a student.”  God allowed fire to destroy the Lighthouse Church in DeLand. Investigators think the fire started as a result of a sparking exterior light.

Georgia: Mallary Baptist Association has declared the Raleigh White Baptist Church racist.  Reports that the computer of the Calvary Baptist Church of Augusta was hacked in retaliation for the church’s support of Senate Bill 315.  Somebody stole the Pentecostals of Bainbridge Church van right out of the church parking lot.  A now former church bookkeeper spending at least two years in federal prison after pleading guilty to stealing $420-thousand USD from the First Presbyterian Church in Peachtree.   Baptist/Methodist founded Piggly Wiggly shutdown their 25 years old grocery store in Hogansville, with only four days notice.

Guam: Yet another Catholic priest accused of child sex crimes, the only problem is he’s already dead.  The Archdiocese of Agana is now facing more than 160 sex crimes lawsuits from residents of the U.S. territory.

Hawaii: God flooded out the Calvary by Sea Lutheran Church, which is also home to the Angel Network Charities food pantry.

Idaho:  Parts of the Saint Luke’s Magic Valley Medical Center lost electrical power for an hour, supposedly because of a bird getting tangled in power lines.  In Napoleon Dynamite’s Preston, a car crash killed two old people and injured four Mormon missionaries. Police say for an unknown reason the old married couple (who were most likely Mormons as well, if you know the area) turned in front of the car carrying the missionaries.

Illinois:  Despite being ‘cleared’ of all sex crimes allegations (not by police but by his own church committee) the founder of the megachurch Willow Creek Community Church resigned, I mean officially retired.

Indiana:  Spray paint artists tagged Woodside Community Church, then spray painted an apology that read “Sorry, we just realized this was a church.”   The anti-2nd Amendment Wabash Avenue Presbyterian Church offering gun owners $125 USD in grocery gift cards if they give up their guns/accessories.  Obviously the naive church members don’t realize how much guns and gun accessories actually cost.

Iowa: To show you that there are too many potatoes on the market, the First United Methodist Church attempted to give away 18143.7 kilos (40-thousand pounds) of spuds in Mason City.  In an apparent effort to support the 1st Amendment, just over 30 members of the Collegiate Methodist Church listened to a university professor explain why Jesus the Christ was evil.  The professor also wrote a book called The Bad Jesus.

Kansas: A member of the Unity of Wichita Church confessed in writing to stealing $100-thousand USD from the church, the police were notified.

Kentucky: KentuckyOne Health selling its Saint Joseph Martin hospital and four clinics to Appalachian Regional Healthcare.  The property of United Church of Paducah being auctioned off in May due to The Rapture, I mean crashing membership.

Maryland: A now former youth pastor sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a teenager at Saint Elizabeth Catholic Church.  The pastor of Sonrise Church is crusading against the local taxpayer funded public schools because they’re now using yoga to help students relax.  The pastor says yoga is a Hindu act and therefore evil.

Massachusetts: God powerless to stop the June shutdown of ‘his’ 61 years old Marian High School due to lack of students. Students have started a social media fundraising operation, hoping to raise enough money to keep the school open.  In Worcester, god powerless to stop property developers from tearing down ‘his’ iconic Notre Dame des Canadiens.

Michigan:   A five years old boy had his mouth taped shut and his school lunch thrown in the trash by a Crestwood School District substitute teacher’s assistant (who doesn’t deserve a penny of her taxpayer funded paycheck).  But wait there’s more! The taxpayer funded preschool program is being run out of the Cherry Hill Baptist Church, and that other substitute teachers have been violent with students, one even tried to bribe a student not to tell by giving him a bracelet.     Six employees of Providence Christian Healthcare & Rehabilitation Center suing because they’re mad that patients are being allowed to request ‘white’ caregivers only.

Minnesota: A taxpayer funded charter school bus driver, who also happens to be a pastor of an unnamed Minneapolis church, was suspended after being caught forcing students to take part in prayer sessions on the bus (according to complaints by parents).  It’s the second time he was caught doing that (the first time he was actually fired).  Policy says drivers can pray as individuals, but cannot make students take part in group prayers.

Mississippi: A Saint Dominic Hospital employee arrested for stealing and selling patient’s financial information.

Missouri: Weekend Masses were halted at Saint Martha Church in Wayland, Notre Dame Church in LaGrange and the Shrine of Saint Patrick in Saint Patrick, the Diocese of Jefferson City blames The Rapture, I mean a sudden shortage of priests.  A now former youth pastor at the Central Presbyterian Church reportedly confessed to child sex crimes after church leaders called the cops.  The state Supreme Court overruled god saying Antioch Community Church cannot continue using its small digital sign, because it violates the zoning laws of Kansas City.

Montana:  Catholic Diocese of Great Falls-Billings agrees to pay $20-million USD in an attempt to “continue the healing process” for 86 victims of its sex crimes.

Nebraska: While 40 people were prepping for choir practice god decided to set the United Methodist Church, in Grand Island, on fire.  The fire department said the fire was started by a burning bush next to the church, they don’t know how the bush caught fire!  Also in Grand Island, police removed a camper with two ganja and meth smoking occupants from the property of Trinity United Methodist Church.  Apparently the tokers had been parked on church property for ten days before anybody decided to call police.  The Protestant political leaders of the state are refusing to allow Catholic nuns, who are required to live a low income lifestyle by the church, to get Medicaid.  It’s the results of recent state cuts to taxpayer funded health insurance. 

New Hampshire: The Saint James Catholic Church sold for $2.3-million USD to a property developer who wants to build condominiums.

New Jersey:  The state Supreme Court ruled against Morris County’s plan to use more than $4-million USD in taxpayer funding to restore old churches.  Not only does it violate the federal Constitution, but it violates the state Constitution of New Jersey which says nobody can be forced to “…be obliged to pay tithes, taxes or other rates for building or repairing any church or churches, place or places of worship, or for the maintenance of any minister or ministry…”

New York: Catholic Charities Neighborhood Services halting housing ops in Howard Beach, Far Rockaway and Brooklyn-NYC, due to loss of funding.  Catholic Guardian Services halting ops for disabled people across several cities, at least 99 jobs lost due to loss of contract.  Heritage Christian Services halting ops for disabled people in Rochester, 49 jobs lost due to loss of contract.  Easter Seals issued a shutdown WARN for four of its Intermediate Care Facilities, 78 jobs gone by mid-July.  In South Buffalo, god powerless to stop the shutdown of ‘his’ 38 years old Franciscan Center because “numbers of young men seeking help have gone down.”  God powerless to stop the shutdown of ‘his’ YWCA (Yong Women’s Christian Association) operations in Batavia: “We’re working to keep the doors open but right now we have to close, and we’re reviewing the finances. There’s considerable longstanding debt and there’s no money on reserve to get us through this situation.”-Tomidy-Pepper, executive director

North Carolina: A christian pastor with Izmir Resurrection Church faces 35 years in a Turkish prison if convicted of supporting Muslim ‘terrorist’ groups connected to the 2016 coup attempt.  Anglican/Episcopalian/Presbyterian founded Too Big to Jail Wells Fargo eliminating 593 jobs in Winterville, between June and October!  God burned down the New Gospel Tabernacle Holiness Church, which was not covered by insurance, the defiant pastor exclaimed “You can’t stop the church! Keep us in your prayers.”  The Winston-Salem Fire Department said “We are still trying to figure out where it started and what started it.”

North Dakota: A teacher at god’s own Saint Joseph Catholic School, in Williston, arrested last month for sex crimes, hit with even more charges of sex crimes this month.  He is now accused of having sex with at least five girls. He was also a coach with Williston Public School District.

Ohio: In Weston, god destroyed the Antioch Church by driving a delivery truck through it, local news media said there were multiple injuries.

Oklahoma: In Oklahoma City the vacant and for sale Calvin Presbyterian Church caught fire, according to the fire department it’s the second time since December.  Fire fighters say the church was locked-up tight when they arrived  and they’re not sure what started the fire (god?).

Oregon: Providence Saint Vincent Medical Center warning that one of its nurses came to work sick with TB.   The hospital offering free tuberculosis testing as a result.

Pennsylvania:  UPMC Presbyterian notified 4-thousand-7-hundred patients that an employee came to work infected with TB between October 2017 and February 2018!  The employee is on leave.  UPMC Mercy South Side Outpatient Center warning of shutdown due to the hospital needing at least $10-million in repairs.  The Catholic Diocese of Erie released a list of 51 Catholics accused of sex crimes. 

Rhode Island: Saint Patrick Church in Cumberland being shutdown and members being forced to attend Saint Aidan Parish, due to The Rapture, I mean lack of members at the Saint Patrick Church.   The Healing Church (once a Catholic church) now promotes the use of ‘kosher’ homegrown marijuana.

South Carolina:  After more than 160 years god decided to burn down the historic Saint Andrews Church in Mount Pleasant.  Church leaders say they’ll recover pronouncing “Lift high the cross! We’ll be just fine.”

South Dakota:  A woman already on probation for embezzlement sent back to three years in prison after admitting she ripped-off the United Church of Christ.

Texas: Covenant Church donated $10-thousand USD to help payoff the debts of military veterans, through the RIP Medical Debt charity.  RIP Medical Debt claims that donation helped them payoff more than $10-million in medical debts!  A different church is under suspicion about its donations, the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs is trying to raise $3-million USD for new construction.  The church was the site of a mass shooting last year and the families of the victims are questioning if donations for the victims are being diverted to the construction project.  Church leaders deny the accusation, but some families say the church has refused to help pay for some shooting victims, and others say it’s taken months for the church to respond to their request for help.  Families have noticed that the church has already spent millions of dollars in donations on construction projects: “This has gotten way out of hand, way out of hand! There’s some greed going on, and it’s wrong.”-Lisa McNulty, mother of shooting victim killed last year

Utah: A woman is suing the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints (LDS, Mormon) saying she was raped by a ‘priesthood’ leader in a secret room at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, back in 1984.  The leader in question denies raping her, but admitted to police that he asked her to get naked. The leader has been accused of rape before.

Vermont: A former politician, now minister of the Congregational Church of Rupert, says even at $15 per hour minimum wage is still poverty level.  Desperate state leaders are trying to raise tax revenues through the back-door by ending tax deductions for charity donations, including to church run charities. 

Washington: The Bethel Church of the Nazarene was vandalized: “A urinal and drinking fountain were ripped off the walls, a sink was ripped out of the counter, cupboard doors were ripped off their hinges, miscellaneous food items were strewn about the church, and other items were moved and broken during the crime spree.” 

Washington DC: Catholic bishops from El Salvador lobbied the U.S. government to protect the immigration status of 200-thousand El Salvadorans working in the United States.

West Virginia: God blew the steeple off The Family Word Church of God of Prophecy in Point Pleasant.

Wisconsin:  Sacred Heart Hospital and Saint Joseph’s Hospital both warning of massive layoffs saying “The healthcare industry continues to experience a shift in the way people utilize health care services nationwide. High deductible insurance plans are causing many people to postpone care…”   Mmmm, isn’t that what ObamaCare-ACA was trying to avoid?  Wheaton Franciscan-Saint Joseph Hospital shutting down surgical and inpatient care in low-income neighborhood, due to lack of revenues.

U.S. Christian Rapture, March 2018: “GOD ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN.”

“No man can work for two masters, for either he will hate one and will love the other, or he will honor one and the other he will ignore. You cannot work for God and for money.”-Matthew 6:24, Aramaic Bible

“But the root of all these evils is the love of money, and there are some who have desired it and have erred from the faith and have brought themselves many miseries.”-1 Timothy 6:10 Aramaic Bible

“And Yeshua [Jesus of Nazareth] entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves. And he said to them, It is written: ‘My house will be called the House of prayer, but you have made it a den of robbers.’ “-Matthew 21:12-13 Aramaic Bible

“Yeshua said to them, ‘Give what is Caesar’s to Caesar and what is God’s to God.’ And they marveled at him.”-Mark 12:17 Aramaic Bible

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.-1st Amendment, U.S. Constitution

WARN=Worker Adjustment & Retraining Notification

Former employees of religious non-profits might not qualify for unemployment assistance (or even be counted as unemployed): “If the non-profit organization is a church, you may or may not be entitled to unemployment. It all depends upon state regulations for church employers. In many cases, churches are allowed to set their own rules regarding unemployment benefits, meaning the church can choose whether to offer benefits to former employees.”